How Do I Get My Husband To Want To Come Back To Me On His Own?

in Break-up

I often hear from wives whose husbands have left them either in a fit of anger or because the marriage is no longer "working" for the husband.  Sometimes, he says he needs some "space" and he isn't sure if he will come back or not. Other times, he leaves with the intention to move forward with a separation or divorce.

Often, this doesn't sit well with the wives who contact me.  I hardly ever hear from women who are fine with him leaving or who accept the separation or divorce.  No, I hear from those who very firmly want to save their marriages and get their husband's back.  And often, this is not the first time that the wife is attempting to accomplish this.  Or, other times, she's tried many different things to get him back and nothing has worked so far.

And many women are smart enough to know (or have learned through experience) that if they try to lure him back with trickery or schemes that don't really bring about any lasting change, he's only going to eventually leave again.  But worse, the next time you try to bring him back after each short lived or failed attempt, you're going to have a much tougher time getting him to listen to or pay attention to you, much less come back to you.

So many wives ask me for advice on getting a husband to come back while making him think that it was his idea all along.  This is actually vital because no man wants to feel manipulated or that you're the one pulling all the strings.  Accomplishing this requires a bit of luck and a whole lot of skill, but it can most definitely be done.  I know because I it was something I also had to do. 

Often, you will have to move both quite deliberately and gradually but if you take very calculated steps, you can make him feel like this whole getting back together thing was his idea all along.

You Don't Want To Ignore Your Husband Or Pretend Like You Don't Even Care That He's Leaving:  There's a lot of advice out there that asks you to flat out ignore your husband or pretend like you don't care that he's leaving or isn't sure about the marriage.

I actually think that this might be taking it a bit too far.  First of all, there's a good chance that he isn't going to buy this act for a second.  You'd have to give an academy award winning performance at all times to get him to buy this.  And, it's probably a fair bet that at some point, your real feelings are going to peak through and blow your cover anyway.

That's why I think there's a happy medium between backing off a bit but also telling the truth.  I think this is so much easier to pull off if he knows that you really don't want the break, separation or divorce, but that you respect his decision for now and you're going to take full advantage of the time apart to work on yourself.  There's a big difference between this approach and pretending as if you just don't care when you both know this just isn't true.

Creating Mystery And Painting Yourself As Attractive As Is Possible:  If you could take one thing from this article, I would hope that it's that you understand that you can't allow fear to drive your actions.  Believe me, I do understand that you really want him back.  I get that you want a quick resolution.  But desperation is so very obvious to a man.  And things like fear, desperation, and jealousy are not attractive to men. 

If you allow these things to show, you really do run this risk of making yourself appear less attractive to him. And then you're taking about three steps back.  Instead, you want to look at things from his point of view.  I don't know your husband but I dialogue with plenty of them on my blog.  And they will usually respond better to you if you're coming from a place of confidence.

He is far more likely to respond better to you if you back off just a little bit.  Now, this doesn't mean overtly trying to make him jealous or going out with other men.  But there's nothing wrong with allowing him to wonder a little back. 

And usually when you back off for a while, this is what happens.  And if he questions you about this, you can tell him that you are respecting his need for space because you want him to be able to sort things out so that, when the two of you reevaluate, there's a greater chance that you can both be happy.  In this way, you've covering all angles.

Next, you always want to consider how you are appearing to him.  If things have progressed to the point where he's left or potentially wants to, it's likely that he's changed his view of you somewhat over time.  You want to turn back the clock so that he can begin to see you in the way that you used to.

Often, as we get more comfortable in our marriage, we let our guard down and we stop being on our best behavior and we stop showing our husband the best side of ourselves.  Sure, there is nothing wrong with being comfortable, but if you want to make him think that coming back is his own idea, you have a much better chance of this happening if you can show him that woman who used to light him up.

I know that I am asking a lot, but you want to show him the carefree woman that made him laugh, who made him feel like the only man and earth  – the one who understood him better than anyone else and who made him want to be a better man. Try to always remember this goal when you are interacting with him.  And, if you mess up, just go back to this plan the next time you see him and back off a while if things go wrong.

The Whole Strategy Behind Making Him Think Coming Back To You And The Marriage Is His Own Idea:  The whole idea behind this is that, eventually, you want to allow him to take the lead.  This might not be possible at first.  But very gradually, you want to back away more and more as you are able to.  This allows him to take the initiative and feel like he is taking part in the chase.  This is very important because it allows him to see you as worth chasing.  It increases your value in his eyes and it increases the chances that he is really invested in this whole process.

If you play your cards right, not only will he want to come back on his own, but he'll be fully invested in working with you to make your being together a lasting thing.  I don't know all of this because I'm an expert.  Far from it.  But I lucked on this method in my own life and it eventually worked like a charm.  You can read more about how this played out on my blog at

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Leslie Cane has 16 articles online

Leslie Cane's "I Saved My Marriage Website" is at

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How Do I Get My Husband To Want To Come Back To Me On His Own?

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This article was published on 2011/03/18
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